i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
