Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
