yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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