New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
