Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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