Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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