took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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