Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
