we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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