dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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