These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
