No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
