I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
