GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Randomize
