Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
