Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
