im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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