careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just googled if crying burns calories
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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