Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I wear drunk well.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
