So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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