When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We need to get me chipped asap
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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