Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We're too hungover to prance.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
