only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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