if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
