Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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