Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
