I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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