College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
