Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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