Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
