Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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