I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
