he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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