I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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