This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
