Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
