Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
