I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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