alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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