There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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