also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
