Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
