so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
