Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
