Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Did I show you my penis last night?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We have so much sex to catch up on
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Send help, water and tortillas.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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