I just threw up on my dentist
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
