So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
