Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
