I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
