you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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