Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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